http://www.timescommunity.com/site/printerFriendly.cfm?brd=2553&dept_id=511692&newsid=17583 573 Fantasy retirement job: neo-con! By: Rich Bliss Now that I'm approaching retirement, like many Americans I expect to launch myself into another more-fun career. Lawyering has been OK. But enough of that stuffy stuff. I want to become a "think-tank neo-con"! You know, those guys (who used to be called the "New Conservatives") that the government turns to when it doesn't know what to do and needs real brains to figure it out. For example, without exception, neo-cons advised that invading Iraq was a splendid idea, a "must do," actually. Based on what I've learned from the press and the Web, neo-cons sit around in big well-appointed "tanks" (actually fancy offices) downtown and think all day about how to reorder the planet. The tanks all have fancy names that do not provide a clue, such as "American This" and "Council on That." Some exist mainly to make the dreams, welfare and expansion of pet countries they have adopted the central objective of U.S. foreign policy and largess regardless of whether the pet bites us or the consequences to the U.S. Many have adopted Israel. I'm thinking of Kazakhstan, what with the "Borat" movie having pointed out Kazakhstan's need for U.S. culture (Mickey D's, Paris Hilton, etc.), unquestioned support and funding, no matter what it does to us or its neighbors. That beleaguered land could become the central front on the war for table manners and toilet training. Since "two chickens in every pot" has become cliché, I'm thinking of, "See, everyone wants freedom and democracy, even if we have to start a regional war resulting in thousands of deaths, while destroying thousands of years of culture and tradition, to give it to you in our image," as my Kazakhstanian theme. Unlike other con men, neo-cons never have to go to jail, even when they take public pride as the "intellectual underpinnings" in causing the government to do very stupid things like painting the world in black and white, starting wars, maiming a generation, squandering the national treasure and distracting attention from real problems, like using U.S. money to build Israeli settlements in the Palestinian West Bank (enraging hundreds of millions of Muslims in 40 some countries), unbridled illegal immigration and global warming." And, they never have to wear uniforms, take orders or worry about being blown up! Plus, they get to tell the less intellectually endowed who are actually charged with protecting the national interest what to do! This rule apparently applies even if the neo-con plan makes no sense, is not supported by the facts, will alienate the rest of mankind and is clearly not in the national interest, so long as it's in their interest. How cool is that! Just as cool is their ability, without shame, to get government policy makers to use nifty phrases like, "cakewalk," "last throes," "bring 'em on," "rose petals" and such! Who needs a State Department or a CIA when everything you need to know is already in the outsized brains of the neo-con "think-tankers"? Neo-cons also get their own self-proclaimed "most powerful lobby" to spank, intimidate and marginalize anyone who would deign to suggest an objective public discussion of the facts. Just as Rasputin successfully helped to advise the Russian czar just before the czar was murdered, neo-cons get to tell everyone, especially Congress and the president, what the real facts are. If government officials object to the "neo-facts" they have a choice: get blacklisted; get called names like "anti-Semite," which may require rehab; become irrelevant outcasts; or all of the above (foreigners who object to neo-con positions are all "terrorists" or terrorist "fellow travelers"). Hence, politicians do not dare question neo-con instructions, even though they all swear to protect the national interest. This is because the neo-con lobby controls a huge percentage of campaign funding (the "life-blood" of getting elected) and the news media rarely question neo-con intellectual guidance. This avoids the problem of reporters or editors having to think. They know what the big guys want to hear and report accordingly. Plus, they instinctively know that "think-tanky" types are smarter than everyone else, and they don't have to decide who is right and wrong or good or bad for the U.S. makes reporting easy. It gets better. When things get screwed up, it is never the neo-cons' fault. It is always the fault of the lame-brained policy makers who took their instructions and failed to actualize them by paying too much attention to the "situation on the ground" instead of the fantasized outcome. Got that? Plus, the neo-cons, who promoted the stupid adventure, continue to get interviewed on TV as "experts," even as the body count mounts. And if THAT particular war didn't work, try another! How about Iran? Since no country can ever prove what it is not planning to do, the whole imperfect world is a potential neo-con target! I'm gonna love this job. Make no mistake. Most of the rest of the world loves neo-con inspired U.S. adventures. Imagine being Russian, Chinese or French, for example. Sipping vodka or champagne and watching your favorite arrogant self-proclaimed "only superpower" being manipulated by its own self-styled "intellectuals" into bleeding to death without your having to fire a shot! This is a dream-theme for anti-U.S. science fiction writers. Actually it's better. You couldn't make this stuff up, even if you wrote a novel about "Pod People" from outer space invading the brains of the American public. Such influence! Such power! BUT, do they provide health insurance until Medicare kicks in? Rich Bliss is a resident of Great Falls. --- "But let's not forget the country we have become. Abu Ghraib, Guantánamo, a secret gulag that stretches from Europe to the Far East, enhanced interrogation techniques,a vice president who argues that the CIA should be allowed to use torture, no one above the rank of sergeant tried for the abuse and murder of prisoners, and the assertion that because we are at war the president has the power to suspend indefinitely the rights of anyone declared an enemy of the state." Dennis Jett, former member of the Board of Visitors at the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation (otherwise known as the School of the Americas)